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ECSTASY

How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person that you really are.

How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. The biggest turn off has to be those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet. It’s disgusting, and so are you!

Likelihood of getting laid: 3/10, sex is not important, it’s all about the “vibe”!!

How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.

Embarrassment rating: 6/10, ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who give your phone number to, they just might call.

MARIJUANA

How you think you behave: You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you!

How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with a 2 by 4.

Likelihood of getting laid: 6/10, If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.

How you feel in the morning: Like another bowl. And the rest of that pizza.

Embarrassment rating: 1/10, you are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.

ALCOHOL

How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.

How you actually behave: Like the lowlife of the party. Your behavior will get progressively worse as you tell stupider jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s girl/boyfriend.

Likelihood of getting laid: 9/10, your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.

How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before.

This is the absolute last time!!

Embarrassment rating: 11/10, not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.

COCAINE

How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone.

How you actually behave: You may think you are the walrus but in reality, you are probably the apeman. You are an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow.

Oh yeah, when you saddle up beside those ladies on the dancefloor and they tell you to “BUGGER OFF”, they mean it!

Likelihood of getting laid: 8/10, it maybe Jedi Mind Trick but you sincerely believe you are so irresistable that some clueless and insecure types may actually fall for it. For men, Mister T jewelry and a gold AMEX never fail to impress. For the ladies, black lycra and the trim physique is always useful.

How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman.

Embarrassment rating: 0-10/10, as long as there’s more coke, you never have to deal with this problem.

AMPHETAMINES

How you think you behave: You think you are extremely interesting and witty.

How you actually behave: In reality you are boring everyone completely senseless with your never ending monologue on DJs/drugs/your job/school/the dog.

Your drug of choice gives itself away with the excessive lip chewing and incessant chatter you inflict upon any poor sod who happens to enter the conversation. You are voted most likely to be standing outside the club/rave/supermarket saying “Where are we going now? I know someone with turntables…”

Likelihood of getting laid: 5/10, you are not even remotely interested in getting laid. If you are a man, your penis has shriveled to the size of a small pickle. If you are a female, you only want to talk. This will never work.

(A word of encouragement: If you actually shut up long enough to “do it”, it may be the longest shag of your life.)

How you feel in the morning: Exactly the same way you did last night.

If you are like most tweekers, you probably still sneaking snorts in the bathroom and pretending this amount of energy is normal. It isn’t.

Embarrassment rating: 4/10, when “coming down” you will worry that you talked too much and made an idiot of yourself, which you most likely did. At this point, you may also start to feel chronically insecure about every aspect of your life and vow never to do speed again.

The best thing for this is another line. Nuff said.

ACID

How you think you behave: You are not behaving but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show.

How you actually behave: In reality, it is you who is putting on the show.

The rest if the world is the same as it ever was.

Likelihood of getting laid: 2/10, If you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing sexual position, you will then have to deal with the unexpected challenge of your partner resembling a furry animal/the devil/your mother.

How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand psychedelic trance.

Embarrassment rating: 0/10, if you sat on the couch and laughed at Baywatch all night. 10/10, if you climbed onto the roof and tried to fly (For God’s sake, what moron really believes he can
fly on acid?).

HEROIN

How you think you behave: Like somebody in “Trainspotting”.

How you actually behave: Like the narcoleptic kid in your history class.

Likelihood of getting laid: 0/10, “Does he/she have anything I can steal/sell?”

How you feel in the morning: There’s only one thing that’s gonna get you out of bed today. Grand Theft Auto.

Embarrassment rating: 3/10, “Ask me when I’m outta rehab.”

Posted by bobak Filed in Uncategorized

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